Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

this is the best day of my life

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

This is me 🤣🤣

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.