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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”