Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

catch me on valentine’s day like

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

(Musicians.)

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on