Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.