Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Childbirth is so beautiful
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese