Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

mariah carrie

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.