– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Meat Cute
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much