– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president