“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.