“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Chicago sounds lovely.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.