Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

so weird how every mom was born today

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.