“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
mom had nothing to worry about
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Finally, an explanation.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.