“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“Great, now I have to pee.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
this isn’t threatening at all
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
*puts words between two asterisks*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”