“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber