Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.