Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…