Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Super Hand Dog Face

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

This January has 47 Mondays

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.