“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.