“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*pronounces UPS like yoops
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.