“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.


I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.


“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters


[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know


NIGHT MAN: You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.

ME: You’re getting a terrible TripAdvisor review.


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener


‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’


Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.


Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces