Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
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[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies