Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……