Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

That’s classic.

File under excellent bookstore names.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set