Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)