Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

6: are snakes just neck?

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.