Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

January is the Mondayest month of the year

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.