Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?