Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.