Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time