Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
car not found
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
A Short Story.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking