Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

This is a sub tweet

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

🌲😼

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.