Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
That’s classic.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
This why you should mind your business
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.