Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady