Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.