Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
getting seasonal up in here
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat