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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably