Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.