Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.