Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.