Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Donkey Kong sommelier
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.