Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Happy Star Wars day!

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

you stereotypes are all alike

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.