Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.