Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…