Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”