Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

What an awful time to have common sense.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.