Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go