Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.