Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.