Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??