My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*limbos under the caution tape
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.