Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

The news is so predictable nowadays

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters