Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

how long have you had this for?

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

This a good idea

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool