Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
As a doctor, I can confirm
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy