Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You Might Also Like
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”