Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
SCARY COSTUME
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
🤣😂🤣😂
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover