aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
A flock of dads is called a grill.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Mmmm canned fish.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”