aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Suuuuure
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.