Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves