Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
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Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
this could fix me
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all