Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.