Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
is it earth
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”