Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
A friend sent me this.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?