Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!