Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

i can’t wait that long

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”