Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

we’re dead?

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles