“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy