Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
thank god
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared