Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
weird email i got today
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!