Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
just left a huge legacy in there
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
m’lady
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I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.