Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”