Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

🤣

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Lmbo

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.