Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.