Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Ummm 😳
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?