Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I am yelling

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.