[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Important reminders
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.