Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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When you’re Kinky but poor
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
they should create new variants of dopamine
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Uh oh…
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.