Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.