Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

🤣🤣

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question